Lately things haven’t been so good. I thought things would be going great since they have but not so much now. Just a speed bump on my road to happiness. I’m battling my demons with inner conflict. I don’t know if I should stay true to my morals or if I’m just overreacting. I just don’t know anymore. It brings me more to anger when I’m like that. I just hate not knowing or not being sure of myself. I hate thinking later on “Was my instincts wrong? Was what I’ve known and lived by all wrong?” This inner conflict is threatening to tear me to pieces. Ignoring it isn’t any good and I hate it. I hate having his feeling and hate that I am forced to feel it. It’s such a stupid and menial thing yet it continues to plague me.

I’m angry and upset. I’m losing so much I can hardly it. Last weekend may have been the last time I would ever see my dearest friend. She’s moving away next week and my heart is already broken. It was broken the day she told me she had to move. It was like losing a part of me and a part of my life! I was devastated and swore to enjoy every second I could spend with her. But those seconds are slipping away too fast. It’s like an anime where the person is running and running in a black void towards their dearest person only in their sights, hand outstretched, begging for them not to go but no matter how much they run, how loud the yell, the person just gets farther way until they are just simply gone. That’s how it feels. It feels like that with everyone I love. Like I poison them. I turn my turmoil into something so pathetic and spiteful. It’s the parasite that is eating me alive in the slowest and most agonizing way. Sometimes it feels like I have a ticking time bomb in my psyche that could be set off at any moment. Maybe then I’ll get the bliss I’ve been thirsting for. A thirst greater than a desert for the great myth of cherished rain.

I’m too proud, too ignorant and too hateful. I’m not good at compromise or getting my feelings out. I just hold them in until they strike like angry snakes. Again I’m a plagued by such feelings. Every since my argument with my dear girlfriend – who I am indeed mad at but still love with all my twisted heart – I’ve been brooding over whether or not I made the right choice or not. My gut tells me that what I said had a point but…my conscience and my awareness of her feelings and independence makes me think otherwise. Our distance only makes me suffer more in the most profound of ways. The knowledge of being a part of her life yet not be in it wretches my heart and mind. I am just a ghost. I feel like it’s still unresolved and there so much bitter spite that my stomach burns. I could have said…hurtful things and I’m both glad and regretful that I didn’t. But would that have just justified my desire to be right? I don’t know. I try to understand but everything in me is against it. I’m twisted left and right. I don’t know. I’m confused and…scared. No! I’m terrified!

I’m out of my mind terrified as if I were back in the childhood, thinking there could be a monster lurking in the darkness inches from my face. Or when I would wake up screaming from my nightmares. I want to scream. I want to wake up from this nightmare but it’s not a simple virtual-reality world I can enter and exit willy-nilly. No this is real. All real and I can’t run away. I can’t hide under my blanket and pretend its ok because it is far from ok. Even though it’s real, it all seems miserably fake!

It’s tormenting me to the point where I don’t sleep and hardly eat. I stay in my room for hours on end, just watching TV to calm myself down or just work on my summer reading book, pouring all my attention to writing notes on the side, finishing the chapters and highlighting the right parts. I got the book a week ago and already I’m half finished with it. At this pace…I’ll be done with it in a couple days. I can’t sleep at night so I stay up till four in the morning, tossing and turning, reading mangas to calm down my mind but it hardly works. I hide in my room working so that I won’t have to log onto my computer which used to be like my lifetime and don’t leave my room until dinner time which is 5 in the afternoon yet I don’t eat much. Just thinking about it turns my stomach into a burning stone in a lava pit. It’s such a petty thing that it makes me dizzy with anger. I can’t speak or even think straight. All I can do is mutter to myself, curing myself and everything that is alive and breathing in my life.

I don’t know what to do now. All I can do is sit quietly and wait and think and hope. It is a pathetic gesture, a pathetic hope but that’s only because it is like me. Pathetic and brooding in my own puddle of self-pity and lowly hate mongering (If that’s even the right word of this… ). This month will be busy for me. I have at least four things going on one right after the other. Maybe it’ll keep my mind at ease and a little busy. But why does it bother me to be separate from my book? Between those lines and inked words I have found my own refuge like many times before in my life. Typical bookworm.

The more I dwell upon so many things, the worse it gets but I can’t escape the confines of my mind and myself. I never worried about carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders but I feel that I carry the weight of myself. I carry my thoughts and feelings, my sense of self and my conscience. My lies and trust. It’s all the same but is equal to the world. It’s my world, the heaviest of it all. I wish to be rid of it but I selfishly cling to it like a cowardly child, sniveling and crying to the skirt of their mother. I don’t want to let go. This is my cry for what help I don’t know I need. Help? What for? Selfish brat! Yeah that’s me…
I will just wait and see and I hope to god that my past of holding grudges won’t resurface and drag everything I’ve worked so hard for back to the burning-tar-pit-bottom of my hell. Just have to…wait and see…